This is the first and longest poem I’ve written about porn and betrayal. I wrote it roughly around 2017-2018.
The Mistress
Your addiction is a mistress
That has occupied a room in your brain.
A room meant for passion, intimacy, covenantal love
Oh, how I long to be there with you.
So I knock on the door
Seeking the one my soul loves (Song of Songs 3:1)
And she answers the door, saying,
"Do you mind? This room is taken.
There's no place for you.
What made you think
You could come in here?
Now get lost. Leave us alone."
Oh, how I detest her!
How despicable her schemes are!
She has trapped the one I love,
Snatching him from underneath me.
Will she ever be satisfied?
She has enough lovers
To populate many countries.
She has enough enemies
To fill even more.
She taunts me, then bullies me,
And paralyzes me with fear.
Her presence is a python
Squeezing the joy out of my soul.
Her words are leeches
Sucking away my self-worth.
Her lies come from Satan
Who snuffs out my light of hope
Every time I re-light it.
Her evil deeds are poisoning me,
Infecting me with pain and bitterness.
And then leaves me
Feeling violated, broken, damaged, betrayed--
And the worst part about it?
I can't control it.
I can't make it stop.
I never know the next time she will attack
And leave me wounded and torn.
And when she does, I have no choice
But to sit back
And watch her do her damage.
I fear becoming a prisoner of war
If I marry into this mess.
Lord, please take this cup from me
Not as I will, but as You will. (Mt 26:39)
But if You do not--is this how it will be
For the rest of my life?
How much longer, Lord?
How long shall I cry for help
And you will not hear?
Or cry to you "Violence!"
And you will not save me? (Hab. 1:2)
How long must I wait
For Your gentle healing hand?
Her taunts are relentless!
She tells me, "You're a boring prude, a Plain Jane.
A vanilla type of girl.
I'm available 24/7, always ready for him
But you have work and school.
I'll always stay young and sexy,
You'll eventually get wrinkles and stretch marks.
I do all the kinky things in those videos, and enjoy it too,
While you haven't the slightest idea about sex.
I only wear racy lingerie (if anything at all),
But you just wear ordinary clothes.
I have makeup artists, hair stylists, lighting behind the camera
And you can't even blend eyeshadow.
I have photoshoppers who airbrush my photos
And you don't even take selfies.
Normal women like you won't attract him
And I've made him that way.
So that he will always come to me
When he's tired and stressed
And seek comfort from me
When he's lonely and rejected."
Well, dear Mistress, I have something to say
Before you shut the door in my face:
I am a precious daughter of the King,
Of The One who gave His Son for me.
I am no plain Jane, mind you:
He has taken my ugly, scummy self
And made me more beautiful
than you ever will be.
You make a mistake
When you speak to me like you do.
You criticize me, a creation of the Lord
And trash me with your words.
He will come to you with vengeance.
He seeks justice for the weak
And cares for the helpless.
He looks out for His own,
Like how a Shepherd watches His flock.
Oh Lord, she must GO!
May You put an end to her, once and for all!