The Boundaries I Set

Part of my recovery work included setting boundaries with my husband. At first, the idea of boundaries seemed so foreign to me. No matter how many times it was explained to me, I was still like, “What are boundaries, how do I set them, and what kind of boundaries do I set?”

Eventually it clicked. Boundaries, in a general sense, are like fences you put up around your property. They let in whatever you want to let in, and keep out whatever you don’t want on your property. Boundaries let you control who has access to yourself, your property, and your life. Boundaries give you the ability to say “No” to something you’re not okay with. Merely speaking up about that is a way of setting a boundary! And then after that, you have another choice. You can continue letting someone cross your boundaries, or you can say “No!”, tell them what needs to change, and then step away from that person or situation until they decide to respect your “No” and make those changes. Sometimes, enforcing your boundaries is the logical consequence that shows someone that their behavior is not okay, and that it needs to change.

One example of boundary-setting in action is one I often see in the public library where I work. At the library, there are house rules the library sets to ensure proper conduct in the library and to ensure everyone has a positive experience at the library. When anyone violates these house rules, the security guard asks them to leave and not come back for a certain period of time. So the house rules are the library’s boundaries, and anyone who crosses those boundaries do not get to go to the library. Another example is when a patron loses or damages books, and do not pay the fines, their borrowing privileges get suspended until they return the books or pay the balance. The library’s “boundary” is to ask patrons to return materials on time. If patrons cross this boundary by not returning their materials, they don’t get to borrow more books.

Boundaries, in my case, are the lines I draw that tell me how to respond to my husband’s relapses back into pornography use, which I am not okay with. The boundaries I set are not only for my husband, but they’re also for me. My boundaries tell my betrayal-addled brain, “Ok, when the next relapse happens, we’re not going to break iPads. We’re going to do all of these healthier things instead!” Setting boundaries also clearly communicates to my husband what I need to feel safe again in our marriage. It’s basically a “cheat sheet” (no pun intended) for how he can rebuild my trust.

The Pure Desire support group I was in called it a “Safety Action Plan”, which is why I titled it as such. But it’s also boundaries, and what I will do when they’re crossed. So here is my Safety Action Plan/boundaries, almost exactly the way I wrote it two years ago:

My Safety Action Plan

• Relapses and deal breakers: What I consider a relapse
  • A relapse, to me, is:
    • Returning to porn use and masturbation, and hiding it from me
    • Not going to Celebrate Recovery (CR) step study, not seeking and maintaining accountability
  • Deal-breakers: behaviors where I would consider a separation
    • A physical affair
    • Refusing to end such affair 

• When you relapse, I will ask you to notify the following people within 24 hrs:
  • Me, so that I can enforce the consequences in this Action Plan
  • Your sponsor and accountability partners in your CR group

• Natural consequences:
  • When you relapse, it makes me feel angry, discouraged, devalued, disgusted, and regretful. It brings me intense grief and depression. It breaks my trust, and I feel emotionally disconnected, unsafe, and distant from you.
  • Your continued addiction to pornography makes me extremely hesitant to begin a family with you. It makes me afraid that any children we may have will be exposed to pornography, and then become addicted themselves. Literally nothing would break my heart more than that, knowing they were exposed because of you.

• Logical consequences:
  • Because I feel grieved, angry, unsafe, and distant from you, I will need space and time away from you to process the relapse. This is what I will do when you notify me of a relapse:
    • I will ask you to sleep on the floor next to the closet for 2 weeks until I feel safe again to share the bed with you.
    • We will abstain from sexual activity for 2 weeks until I feel safe enough to resume sexual activity.
    • During those 2 weeks, I will ask you to not come with me to work. I will drive/bike myself to work and I will ask you to find a different public place to use the computer.
    • If I discover a relapse before you tell me, the time for these consequences will double from 2 weeks to 4 weeks.
  • Because your relapses break my trust in your ability to use the internet with integrity, I would like to reestablish safety by setting the following limits on internet use:
    • All electronic devices shall only be used between the hours of 9:00 am to 11:00 pm. All work-related tasks, including coding and DoorDash, must also be done by 11 pm. Calls and texts are ok past 11pm, but no internet. If you wake up before 9am and cannot go back to sleep, I need you to find something else to do without a screen, such as reading or journaling, until it’s 9am.
    • All devices with a screen must only be used in visible, high-traffic areas. No devices are allowed in the bathroom or in any other private space. This boundary also applies in public, including the library.
    • Once I get rid of my Chromebook, we will share your computer indefinitely.
  • Because your addiction makes me extremely hesitant to start a family, I need to see the following from you in order to consider this major life decision again:
    • I need you to demonstrate a commitment to your own recovery efforts so that you can model recovery to our future kids.
    • I need you to demonstrate a strong commitment to protecting our future kids from porn, educating them about it, and teaching them to protect themselves from it. As your helpmate and their parent, I am willing to help you with that, but I will need YOU to take charge of this area of their upbringing.
    • If our kids begin seeking out pornography, I will need you to be the one to address that. I will not be in any emotional state to deal with that myself, because it will trigger my feelings of betrayal, and I will then be busy taking time away to process my kids’ relapses.
    • If you relapse, and the kids notice us enforcing this safety plan as a result, I will need you to answer their questions about why their mom is upset and why you’re not sleeping in our bed. 

• If infidelity occurs:
  • I will impose the logical and natural consequences stated above.
  • I will ask him to end the affair immediately and to cease all contact with the affair partner.
  • I will arrange to get STD/STI testing for myself and ask my husband to get tested. I will abstain from sex until our test results are negative or any confirmed STD’s/STI’s are treated.
  • If he refuses to end the affair or returns to the affair partner later, I will ask my pastor and church elders for guidance and ask them to put my husband under church discipline.
  • I will give my husband 6 months to decide who he really wants. If he chooses his affair partner, or makes no decision at all, I will, with guidance from my pastor and/or a counselor, initiate separation proceedings.
  • I will ask my husband to tell our friends and family that we’re separating, so that I don’t have to be the secret keeper or take responsibility for telling everyone else.

• Self-care for me
  • I will call my CR sponsor and/or my Pure Desire Betrayal & Beyond (B&B) members, arranging meetings with them whenever possible so they can help me process the relapse.
  • If no one is available to talk, I will find other ways to self-soothe and maintain self-care (i.e. journaling, prayer, Bible reading, biking) 
  • I will continue to attend B&B and CR meetings and I will honor all commitments to meet with those people at the time we agree to meet.

• Desired outcomes
  • I do not intend this safety plan to be punitive. I fully intend this to be seen as a “cheat sheet” for rebuilding my trust, and making me feel safe again.
  • Through these boundaries, I hope you challenge the addict inside of you and ask “Is this really worth it?”
    • Is porn worth the time spent away from my wife because of her need for space?
    • Is porn worth the nights spent sleeping on the floor instead of my nice, warm bed?
    • Is porn worth the pain and destruction it causes me, my wife, and my marriage?
  • Ideally, you will decide that pornography is not worth any of these things, and that you will abandon it for good, for your sake and for mine.
  • My hope is that through setting these boundaries, our marriage can be saved. The generational sin will end with us. We will have children who love God, hate pornography, and will commit to sexual integrity like we do.
  • My hope is that through setting these boundaries, our marriage can be saved. The generational sin will end with us. We will have children who love God, hate pornography, and will commit to sexual integrity like we do.

I made this safety plan nearly two years ago, and I haven’t yet had to implement it. But merely having this plan and the boundaries in it made me feel so much safer. It was a major turning point in my recovery. Unfortunately, my Safety Plan doesn’t guarantee that there will never be another relapse, but there’s something empowering about knowing what to do about them when they come. I no longer have to worry about what I will do when the next relapse inevitably happens, because the step-by-step process is already there. Since I wrote my Safety Plan, I have been able to breathe many sighs of relief and pursue recovery with so much less stress than before.

So if you’re in betrayal trauma recovery too, and you’re wondering what in the world boundaries look like, take a look at mine. Hopefully it will give you some ideas of what might make YOU feel safe again in your relationship! Because YOU, dear betrayed spouse, deserve to feel safe in all your relationships!