Have you just found out that a friend, family member, coworker, or any loved one in your life has been betrayed? Have you just found out that your closest girlfriend discovered her husband’s pornography use? Do you have a sibling who has dealing with something similar for a long time, and they’re at the end of their rope? Are you just at a loss as to how to help them?
Well you’re in luck, because I’m going to make this the start of a series of posts that will go on for who knows how long, suggesting ways that loved ones can help betrayed friends and family members in their lives. I’ll post a part 2 when I come up with more ideas. So without further ado, here’s some ways you can help a loved one who is reeling from the pain and betrayal of pornography use and/or infidelity in their marriages, coming from a betrayed spouse.
1. Listen.
The Bible tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. When someone gets betrayed by an unfaithful spouse, they’re in a very difficult and lonely place. Sometimes we betrayed spouses are just trying to get through the day, trying to hold ourselves together for our families, our jobs, our churches, and our communities. We need someone who will listen without judgement. We need someone who can sit with us in our pain. Someone who’s not afraid of tears and long silences. Only give advice when asked.
2. Show up for them.
Don’t just ask how they’re doing after church every Sunday. Do more tangible things for them. Watch the kids while they attend therapy appointments. Invite them over for dinner. Take them out for coffee once a week. Be with them when they meet the pastor and elders to seek help. Be their confidantes. If they have to separate from their unfaithful spouses, let them stay in that spare bedroom in your house until they figure things out. If the betrayed spouse turns down your offers to help, don’t take it personally. They’ll still appreciate that you’re willing to be there for them.
Your actions will go a long way, a lot further than your words and your “How Are You Doings”.
3. Don’t gossip.
Betrayed spouses need someone who knows how to be discreet. If you’re someone a betrayed spouse trusts enough to open up to you, that is quite an honor! And that is not to be taken lightly. Never tell anyone else about the betrayed spouse’s problems without their permission. When a betrayed spouse opens up to you, they’re telling you that in confidence. They’re expecting you to keep quiet until they’re ready for the world to know. And they’re the ones that decide when the world knows, not you.
With that said, there are some situations that you do NOT have to keep quiet about. If the betrayed spouse reveals that they’re thinking about harming themselves or others, or if they’re being abused, you should help them seek immediate medical attention or help from the appropriate authorities. Domestic violence is a serious crime in most jurisdictions, and the authorities will bring justice.
4. Encourage them to get help.
If you’re feeling like helping out a betrayed spouse in these ways is way out of your league, that’s okay! You don’t have to have all the answers to our burning questions! Help us find someone who does! Whether that’s a professional therapist, a pastor, or a counselor, or just another betrayed spouse who wants to walk with them through that pain. Let that betrayed spouse know that there are people out there that want to help them. Let them know they don’t have to do this alone.
What did I miss?
Hey betrayed spouses: What did I miss? How would you like others to help you through this difficult trial? Tell me about it in the comments! (Please review the Comments Policy before leaving a comment. Thank you!)
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