This is a letter I wrote to my past self, unedited, taken straight from one of my journals. While I wrote this, I felt a huge amount of regret for not only how my husband’s porn use hurt my marriage, but regret over getting married period. Written roughly around January 2023, about six months after my second D-day. (See how long this pain lingers?)
And here’s a translation of my messy handwriting:
Dear Past Self,
What. The. Hell. Were. You. Thinking???
Because you chose to marry this loser who can’t let go of his porn instead of taking the way out that he provided for you, your future self is paying the price. Yes, me. The future self writing this to you now. I’m writing this to you in tears because I’m in so much pain right now, probably even more than what you’re going through. It’s so much more intense. More hurtful. Because I’m stuck with him now. I can’t leave. I can’t get away. I regret the day you chose to stay. I regret that letter you wrote to him, in spite of every fiber of your body screaming that you wanted to leave. Why didn’t you listen?
I guess I kind of remember now. You probably thought that if you did leave, you would end up with some other guy who had he exact same problem. But you know what? There’s a third option. That was singleness! You don’t have to be afraid of being single. If you’re single, you don’t have to worry about an intimate partner hurting you. You could go on to serve God in monumental ways instead of being stuck dealing with this shit in a broken marriage. I feel like I’m wasting my life. I could be doing other things. Alone. By myself. Like doing a mission in some far-off country. Or writing a book. Or being closer to your family. Or competing in a bike race. Or going to library school to become a librarian. Or being a librarian at the Library of Congress. Anything other than being stuck here in the trenches of infidelity and porn addiction. You could have done all of that. You gave up so much when you got married.
I remember when you were such a young, impressionable 20-year-old when you first heard of his addiction. And it left a huge impression on you. I remember you feeling like that with God and with him, you could take on the world. That you both could beat his addiction, and then get married and live happily ever after. That’s what it looked like for a while. And then he relapsed and I got so angry that I broke his iPad. I have begun to wonder if God has forgotten about us and our marriage. I don’t see Him doing much about us.
Oh, how it pains me so much to read this again! I felt so hopeless, disillusioned, trapped, and filled with regret over the choice I made to get married to a porn user. I was really kicking myself for ignoring the red flags while we were dating and being afraid to ask the hard questions about where my husband was at in his recovery. And kicking myself for not making different choices when I had the chance.
I also remember “that letter” I wrote. While we were dating, we would often write letters to each other, with a pen and paper, the good old-fashioned way. It was a letter in response to his first disclosure. I’ll consider putting that in a future post, but in a nutshell, that letter expressed how I’m willing to stay and support him through his addiction. So far, I’m still doing that, like I said I would. But let me tell you, it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Fortunately, I’m grateful to say that God has not forgotten about us or our marriage. And He really has showed up for me. While prominent church leaders and marriage books say to have more sex or submit more, or “pray it away” if your husband is using porn, the Lord encouraged me to lean more into Him! He gave me the space to grieve the betrayal. He gave me permission to set hard boundaries and allow consequences, like He did with His unfaithful people. I took the Lord’s example and did exactly that! And it has made me a stronger, more resilient wife for it. And the experience of being betrayed has given me the desire to walk with others going through this too. I don’t think any of that would have happened to me if I chose to leave.
I have yet to meet a betrayed spouse that has never felt the feelings of regret I expressed in this letter at some point in their journeys. If you resonate with this, know that you’re not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. It’s an understandable way to feel, especially if you knew about the unfaithfulness before you get married! I found it really cathartic to express that in this letter, and I vaguely remember sharing it with one of my past groups. So if you’re experiencing regret because of betrayal, don’t bottle it up. Write them down, like I did, and/or share those feelings with someone you trust. Chances are, that someone may have felt the same way!
Have you ever experienced regret after being betrayed? Tell me about it in the comments!
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