So here’s my first book review! I knew I always wanted to do book reviews on this blog because I love to read and I’m always looking for great resources that will benefit betrayed spouses in some way, shape, or form. My goal is to write at least one book review a month. We’ll see how that goes.
So how did I hear about this book?
I first heard about this book in a support group I was attending, where someone there mentioned it to our group. During that time, I think I was in some sort of “information gathering” stage of my recovery. I spent lot of my time reading anything I could get my hands on about betrayal trauma, as well as spending late nights doomscrolling on Google about betrayal trauma. And this was one of the many books I read. Once my library copy was finally available for me to borrow, I devoured it right away. (I have since purchased an ebook copy from Amazon.) And I have never seen anything like this before. I have never seen a book, written by Christian authors, that critiques other Christian marriage books, and tells me that the messages in them are harmful. I remember reading some of these books when I was a teenager and in my young adulthood.
What’s this book all about?
This book accomplishes mainly three things:
- The Great Sex Rescue presents the findings from a huge survey, called “The Bare Marriage Project” that the authors conducted, which was taken by over 20,000 Evangelical Christian women. The survey asked these women about their beliefs about sex and marriage, and what makes sex great and not-so-great. This survey seeks to answer this one big question: Does our evangelical advice actually work? And the answers are very eye-opening. And so validating!
- This book also critiques several bestselling Christian marriage books that teach the beliefs that these Evangelical Christian women had, and found that the teachings in these books are more harmful than we’ve realized. Some of these books include Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, and The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye.
- Rescuing and Reframing. There’s a section at the end of every chapter that gives suggestions to couples about how to change their thinking about sex and how to improve their sex lives in light of the information presented in each chapter.
What’s great about this book?
This book has opened my eyes to the well-meaning, but very harmful messages I picked up from these books and similar ones before and after I got married. While dealing with the aftermath of betrayal from porn use in my marriage for years, I became overwhelmed and weary at the thought that I still can’t deprive my husband of sex, even though I was extremely hurt and betrayed by his sexual sin. But this book showed me that I didn’t have to have sex out of obligation or to have sex to keep my husband from watching porn, because this isn’t what the Bible actually teaches. In addition to that, having sex out of obligation is harmful. According to their research,
“When women enter marriage believing they are obligated to have sex with their husbands whenever they want it, they are 37% more likely to experience sexual pain and 29% less likely to frequently orgasm” (pg 161)
The title of the chapter this was quoted from speaks so much truth: Duty sex is NOT sexy! And it is so validating to hear that! There’s also another important chapter titled “Your Spouse is Not Your Methadone”, which is a response to a few quotes from Every Man’s Battle:
“Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.” (Every Man’s Battle, pg 118)
“Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be a merciful vial of methadone for him.” (Every Man’s Battle, pg 120)
And that chapter goes on to debunk the notion that wives are responsible for preventing their husbands from falling into sexual sin by having more sex. The Bible doesn’t teach this either. It’s such a relief to know that I don’t have to be his methadone either.
What’s not-so-great?
There’s honestly not a lot that I dislike about this book. The only reservation I had at first was how much attention was given to the books that were harmful. I had mixed feelings about this. If these books are really that bad, why should we give them more attention than they really deserve? I’ve often heard it said, “bad publicity is better than no publicity.” If we’re talking more about these books, I fear that we will want to read more of these books and soak up their harmful content.
But I guess my own beliefs answer this question and put those fears to rest. I think it’s a good thing that the harmful messages in these bestsellers are being brought to light. As someone who believes very strongly in intellectual freedom, I think we should see the good ideas as well as the bad, so we can make up our own minds about what’s written. We should know what bad teachings look like! I also believe that we should fight bad ideas with good ideas, rather than telling people not to read the bad ideas! That’s exactly what this book does! And I think that’s more important than triggering a “Barbara Streisand effect” by exposing the harmful teachings for what they are.
After reading a few other online reviews on this book, some people have disagreed with its theology, its heavily egalitarian views, its research methods, and the tone it has. And those critiques may be valid. I haven’t 100% made up my mind on the opposing viewpoints yet. But I’ll be honest, I’m more biased toward the arguments in this book, just because I found them more compelling. But either way, I encourage you to come to the book with an open mind, consider their arguments and their evidence, and fully understand them before coming to an opinion of your own. And of course, with any book you read, always have your Bible handy to see what scripture says about it.
Who is this book for?
I’d say this book is for those who are at a place in their recovery where they’re ready to rebuild a sex life after betrayal. If this sounds like you, you might find the “Rescuing & Reframing” parts at the end of each chapter especially helpful. I think this book is also for those who are “deconstructing” the beliefs that they came into marriage with, after realizing those faulty beliefs aren’t serving them very well in their marriage.
My Biggest takeaways
My biggest takeaways from this book are:
- You don’t have to have sex out of obligation! Sex is for you too, not just for your husband. God intended sex to be pleasurable and enjoyable for both spouses.
- Don’t believe everything a book says just because a Christian wrote it. Christian authors and pastors are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us. And sometimes, they’re wrong. And their advice can also be harmful, whether the harm was intended or not.
- There really is value in consulting academic research in addition to the scriptures. Sometimes the research can show us things that scripture doesn’t. In this case, this research showed me that there might be something wrong with the way we’re applying scriptures about marriage and sex to our lives. And we should be paying closer attention to that. Because it matters.
- It’s okay to want better for your sex life and your marriage. You don’t have to settle for mediocre marital sex. You should want better. Go for the sex life and the marriage that truly glorifies God: the kind where both spouses are truly fulfilled!
I’ll leave you with one of the last things the authors said about using discernment in Christian resources:
“Your experience matters. God gave you discernment. You’re allowed to use it. When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they’re saying, and if he’s not there, discard it.” (pg 235)
Now go forth, and put your newly-found BS meter to good use!
Thank you Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna for doing this research and writing this book. This is a conversation the church badly needs to have, whether the church realizes it or not.
What book should I review next? Tell me about it in the comments!
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