I unexpectedly discovered this short-and-sweet book by reading a review on it that Tim Challies wrote about on his blog. (you can find Challies’ review on this book here) At first glance, the title really caught my eye: The Death of Porn. Oh, what I would give to actually see that happen in my lifetime! How I desperately wish that pornography would die a horrible death and go to hell, so that we can all move on with happy, trusting, and faithful marriages! No betrayal trauma, no relapses, no feeling cheated on, no lying or deception or hiding porn from your spouse. Just loving, faithful spouses in God-honoring marriage, undefiled by porn. The subtitle that comes after The Death of Porn part makes it pretty clear that I am most likely not the target audience of this book. But I have always been curious about what today’s Christian authors are writing about pornography. So I borrowed an ebook copy on Libby and began reading. And boy, I had thoughts. Enough thoughts to feel a need to write my own review of the book.
I really appreciate the compassionate, hopeful message for Christian men struggling with pornography. Ray Ortlund speaks to his audience with such vulnerability, empathy, and with much faith in Jesus Christ. He offers much hope, telling men that they do not need to be perfect, sinless, and completely relapse-free to receive Jesus’s free gift of salvation. He tells us that Jesus has already conquered sin and death, and yes, porn too, so that we do not need to fight that battle alone.
The book also encourages men to be vulnerable and accountable with other brothers and to keep ourselves accountable to them. He really drives home the point that recovery cannot be done alone. It must be done with others, especially other Christian men that want to walk with you on your journey to recovery, and help you find a way to break the vicious porn cycle.
However, I found quite a few omissions that I wish was included in the book. The first thing I noticed was that it said absolutely nothing about how mens’ pornography use affects their wives. I kept reading (and re-reading), really hoping I would find something about us betrayed spouses. But I didn’t.
I will confess, before starting from the beginning and reading all the way through, like I always do before writing a review, I skipped to the letter titled “She is Royalty”. As that title suggests, this letter is about how women in the porn industry are royalty, and just as valuable to Jesus as any other sinner. This letter admonishes men to change the way they look at those women. To truly see them as human beings, made in the image of God, worthy of respect and dignity. I appreciate that Ortlund wrote about how women are affected in the porn industry, and I fully agree with all of it. But I still finished the chapter unsatisfied. I really wish betrayed spouses—another “she”—were called Royalty in this book too. They also deserve to have their trauma recognized and validated. Porn users need to know how much their porn use hurts their marriages, their wives, their kids, their families, and their witness to a watching world. Unfortunately, none of that was present.
Other unfortunate omissions I found was that it said nothing about finding professional counseling if you need it (and I think most porn users do, in one form or another), getting to the root causes of compulsive porn use, how to repair relationships destroyed by porn, rebuilding your spouse’s trust, and validating your spouse’s experiences on the emotional rollercoaster she will inevitably find herself on following a revelation of porn use. Neither does it go into other actions you can take to find freedom from porn use, beyond prayer, reading scripture, and finding accountability with other men. (Not that there’s anything wrong with doing such things—those are good things!—but I think that’s only the start of what the recovering porn user can do!)
Perhaps this book could be a good starting point for men needing to break out of shame and hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But this book left so much to be desired! As a betrayed spouse who’s been deeply hurt by my own husband’s porn use, there’s so much I really hoped Ortlund would say in this book. As I finish writing this review, I now realize I haven’t read any of Ortlund’s works besides The Death of Porn. So I still might consider reading his other works to see if he’s written about porn anywhere else. But as for this particular work, while I agree with most of what Ortlund did actually say, all the things he neglected to say is by far my greatest criticism.
Leave a Reply