Ok, here’s the second book critiqued by The Great Sex Rescue that I’m reviewing! I actually read some of this book with my husband, because I was genuinely interested in getting his take on it. There’s a version of this book published in 2004, and there’s a revised, updated edition published in 2013. I read and reviewed the newer 2013 edition for this review. I’ve read the 2004 version years ago, somewhere in my teens or early 20’s, so now I can say I’ve read both editions! Most of it is the same as the 2004 edition, but there’s some updates to the research in the book. There’s also a whole new chapter about how your husband is a thinker, and he prefers to go process things alone before talking to you about it. I’ll get to that chapter in a bit. In the meantime, here’s a basic summary of the book.
Summary
This book presents the findings of Feldhahn’s surveys she gave to men, asking them about things such as their inner lives, how they think, and what they need from their wives. It delves into what our men desperately want from us, and how we as women can work with the way our men are wired.
What I liked
I learned some things about my husband that this book did not actually tell me about.
I read some of these chapters with my husband because I genuinely wanted to get his take on them. And the first thing I learned is that my husband doesn’t actually want unconditional respect! At least, not the kind of unconditional respect that this book says he needs in chapter 2, which I’ll get to in a bit. To him, unconditional respect feels very pandering, ego-stroking, and fake. Even he wants the kind of respect that must be earned. He doesn’t want respect handed to him on a silver platter without earning it.
The same chapter also talks about how men don’t like to be reminded of things. Apparently reminding your husband is disrespecting him.
“In the survey, as in life, a sizable minority of men read something negative into a simple female reminder.” (pg 34)
“[A} Pastor: Inherent in her reminder is a statement of disappointment. For me as a man, that is saying I failed. I hate to fail. It’s not the statement that bothers me; it’s the implications of the statement.” (pg 35)
But I don’t think that’s the woman’s problem. That’s this pastor’s problem. If you don’t like reminders of things, and they make you feel like a disappointment, I think that’s a you problem, sir!
Anyways, the second thing I learned about my husband is that he’s probably in the (much more) sizable majority of men who don’t take simple reminders that personally. His take was that he understands that sometimes there’s very valid reasons for reminders. There have been times where he’s even asked me to remind him of things, because he knows full well he’s going to forget about it tomorrow.
It does end on a fairly good note.
I appreciate the last chapter. It ties up the whole book in a nice, neat bow. It reminds us how much our husbands love us, in spite of their differences from us, and in spite of the difficulties those differences bring sometimes. Those difficulties do not affect their love for us.
What I didn’t like
The book places undue responsibility on the female reader to adjust our expectations and merely accept the way men are, and places far too little responsibility on men to meet a higher standard.
And this is most evident in chapter 7, which I feel the most need to talk about. This is one of the most controversial chapters in the book. This chapter is titled “Keeper of the Photo Files” and it’s about how visually-oriented men are. It was the hardest chapter for me to read as a betrayed spouse. The idea of “Photo Files” is explained here:
“What I didn’t realize was that they aren’t exactly thinking about sex . . . Rather, they’re picturing it, or picturing a sexual image. And those pictures aren’t, unfortunately, always of their wives. They are often images that have been involuntarily burned in their brains just by living in today’s culture—images that can arise without warning . . . As several men put it, ‘I have an unending supply of images in my head, stretching back to my teens.’” (pg 136-137)
And the third thing I learned is that for my husband, there’s some truth to that. But we both feel like the book tells women that this is just how men are, so we just have to deal with it and accept it. Oh, and make sure you dress modestly to keep yourself out of other men’s photo files! (News flash: You’ll end up in men’s “photo files”, no matter what you’re wearing, under the book’s own logic!) There’s way less responsibility placed on the husband to do something about that photo file if it’s causing problems in the marriage! And there’s way more undue responsibility placed on the female reader to accept that the photo file exists, check our expectations, coddle him, and watch how you dress. Nope, you can’t challenge that Photo File. You can’t expect changes. This book doesn’t tell us to call men to be better. You have to be okay with the photo files, whether you like it or not. Because that’s how men are.
Feldhahn pressures us to do exactly this in this very famous quote:
“Do we love the men in our lives for who they are, or for who we want them to be? Do we want to support our husbands or to change them?” (151)
And my answer is: Why not both? I want to call my man to a higher standard! I want to support him AND expect needed changes AND call him to be the man God wants him to be. Seeing women as human beings and fellow image-bearers of God, with thoughts, hopes and dreams, needs and desires, not sexual objects, being faithful to me in thought and deed? That’s the standard I’m holding my husband to. Keeping a secret stash of photo files in his brain for him to sinfully lust upon for decades? Absolutely not! God sees that “secret stash” and He won’t settle for it. So why should I?
So betrayed spouses, do not settle for the “Photo Files”. They do not have to stay. You can and should call your husband to a higher standard than that, because God does the same thing! I really wish Feldhahn said that in the book. But unfortunately, she didn’t. Instead, she offered “solutions” to us that sound more like coddling, lowering our expectations, and settling for less.
There’s too many oversimplifications of men. (and women)
This book kind of paints men with a much-too-broad brush. One example of this is in the newer chapter, about how men need to step aside and think about things alone, and then go back to you and hash things out. Some women who have written to this author and took it as rejection from their husbands.
It’s quite obvious to me that not all men need to think things over first. If anything, this describes me way more than it describes my husband! I’m the one that needs to be alone and gather my thoughts before communicating with my husband. And my husband has been the one that found this frustrating because he, understandably, wants to know why I don’t feel good about something! Eventually, he has come to accept this part about me, and gives me more time to find the words for what I need to tell him. Is there something wrong with me, that I myself identify with this more?
This book made me believe that I cannot offer any kind of criticism to my husband or ask for changes, because his ego can’t handle it.
There is one quote in the book that says, “The male ego is the most fragile thing on the planet.” (pg 37) When I read the older version of this book somewhere in my early 20’s (sometime before I got married), it led me to believe that any guy’s ego is too fragile for criticism. That also led me to believe that I could not offer my two cents in any joint decision we made, because this book told me that protecting his ego is more important than making the right decisions for us. This has led to a few times in our marriage where my husband has asked me for input on certain things, and I was hesitant to give it because I was too afraid of offending him. This has been a point of minor frustration for us at times, because he genuinely wanted to know what I thought of things, while I was afraid of stepping on his toes!
Thankfully, after many conversations, talking it through, and learning more about each other, this is no longer an issue for us. I feel more comfortable expressing my opinions to my husband, even the unpopular ones. And no, it has not hurt his ego! But this book certainly did not help me find that out.
The Unconditional Respect concept present in the book.
As I’ve discussed in detail in my book review on Love & Respect, there are so many things fundamentally wrong with the concept of unconditional respect, at least with how Eggerichs and Feldhahn describe it. Feldhahn explains this concept in chapter 2, much in the same way Eggerichs does in Love & Respect. The most clear definition of unconditional respect I found is right here:
“. . .it does tremendous things for your man to know that you are choosing to respect him—in other words, choosing to trust, appreciate, admire, believe in, and honor him.” (pg 21)
I already see a problem with this definition. If respecting unconditionally is trusting him, does that mean trust is also unconditional? I’m sorry, but I’m not going to just blindly trust my husband again if he broke my trust. Trust must be earned. So does respect.
Unconditional respect in this book is more shown than clearly defined, which I appreciate. But there’s some “practical ways” to show unconditional respect to your husband that just seem wrong. There’s this bit on page 25 about respecting his abilities:
“For some reason, spending hours figuring out how to put together the new DVD player is fun. Problem is, we want to help them. And guess how they interpret that? You got it: distrust.” (pg 25)
Yeah, that’s not my husband. There’s been times he’s asked me for help on certain things, and we’ve actually enjoyed working on those things together. We have felt a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when we’ve successfully solved a problem together. And that brings us closer together. This quote makes husbands sound like they don’t want their wives’ help because he’s insecure and emotionally immature and he has a fragile ego. And again, that’s not his wife’s problem. That’s the husband’s.
All of this sounds like unconditional respect means you never bring up criticism to your husband, never tell him he’s doing something wrong, or never offer your own perspective, because it hurts his ego and makes him feel disrespected. Protecting his fragile ego is more important than solving issues in the marriage together. No! The reality is, it’s possible to talk about real issues without disrespecting each other. My husband and I do this all the time without disrespecting each other.
Do you see some of the problems I see with unconditional respect? Unconditional respect, according to this book, is just protecting the man’s ego and not challenging him to be better. You just got to be content with the way he is and never ask him to improve if he needs to. I’m sorry, but I respect my husband too much to give him cheap, “unconditional” respect.
Conclusion: What About Your Husband?
I don’t think this book is just “for women only” in the sense that only women should read it. I recommend reading this with your own husband and chew on the concepts presented in this book together. Maybe you’ll find that this book describes your husband perfectly. Or it might not. In my case, I learned things about my husband that this book certainly did not tell me. At the end of the day, Feldhahn can say whatever she wants about men in general. But guess what? You’re married to only one man. And that man is the only man you need to know so intimately.
And for those who don’t have a husband to get to know: take this book with a grain of salt. It doesn’t describe all men.
I really wish I could cram in all the other things I want to talk about in this book, like the chapter about maintaining your physical appearance for your husband, and his “need” to provide financially for you, no matter what. But I think those things would make this post way longer than it already is. So I’ll let you, the reader, read the rest of this book for yourself, and let you come to your own conclusions.
Other than that, I have mixed feelings about this book. I wanted to like it. Really, I did. While some of it does describe my husband, so much more of it does not. But for this reason, I think it makes too many overgeneralizations of men in this book. And the world does not fit into neat little generalizations! And it puts undue pressure on women to change their hearts and attitudes about how men work, rather than calling men to a higher standard. Maybe this book might help somebody who might have the specific issues addressed in this book, but I personally didn’t find this book very helpful.
Leave a Reply