For a while now, I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to start the conversation about pornography with my own children someday. I don’t even have kids yet, but it never hurts to be prepared! But in the meantime, in the event that a teen came up to me and asked me about pornography, this is what I would say.
What is Pornography?
Pornography, in its most basic sense, is pictures, videos, books, or any media of naked or barely clothed people and/or people having sex, for the specific purpose of sexually arousing the viewer. You may have possibly seen it online, in movies, on TV, in a book, in a magazine, in advertisements, on freeway billboards, everywhere you can think of. Maybe a friend showed it to you at school. No matter how you’ve been exposed to it, it’s everywhere and you’ve probably seen it.
What Pornography is Not
Porn is not real. Pornographic pictures are usually altered to make the person in them look better than they really are. The people you see in the videos are acting like they enjoy the sex, but they really don’t. Most people don’t actually enjoy that kind of sex depicted in porn. This is where porn becomes a problem. It gives you the wrong idea of sex. It’s lying to you, basically. Porn tells you that you have to look a certain way in order to be attractive. It tells you that you have to have sex a certain way to be “good in bed”. It gives you the idea that everyone enjoys that kind of sex, but in reality, most people don’t.
Porn is not a good way to learn about sex. It does not have any good answers to your burning questions about sex. It’s not even meant to “educate” you on sex. The purpose of porn is to cater to the tastes of the viewer and to sexually arouse them. It’s not meant for education. If you have legitimate questions about sex, ask an adult you trust! Or talk to a doctor. Or read a book about it if you’re too afraid to ask anyone (no, not erotic novels—real books with real facts about sex). Please, go literally anywhere for those answers except for pornography.
So Why Should I Avoid Porn?
A steady diet of pornography has far-reaching consequences. It programs your brain to only be aroused by pornography instead of a real person. That might not seem like a problem if you’re single, but it will make it harder to enjoy intimacy with a future partner when you’re older. If you start watching it now, as a teen, that programming has already started. If you continue, by the time you get married (if you decide to do that one day), you’ve already created a sexual appetite that no one human being, let alone a spouse, can ever satisfy. Thus, your future partner may feel hurt and betrayed by your porn use and they might wonder why they alone are not enough for you. They might lose their self-esteem, their trust, and your respect for you. These issues destroy partners and they destroy marriages.
Even if you never plan to get married, there’s still far-reaching consequences of pornography use. Your brain eventually gets “used” to the porn you watch, so that you’ll eventually need more and more of that same porn in order to get aroused. It will start taking over your life, because you’ll spend more time watching porn and less time on things you should be doing. You could get in trouble for watching porn at school. You could get fired if you’re caught watching it at work or anywhere else in public. As someone who works at a public library, I’ve seen many patrons get kicked out of the library for watching porn on the computers.
And once your typical porn no longer arouses you, you’ll begin seeking out more hardcore, more weird, more deviant, and even illegal pornography, like child porn, to get the same rush. Creating, possessing, viewing, and sharing child porn is a serious crime. If you allow your porn use to get to this point, you could face some serious legal consequences.
So How Do I Prevent That?
The good news is, none of this has to happen to you. It’s completely possible to reverse the damage to your brain that porn causes. Your brain is amazingly plastic, and it has the ability to heal! You can take steps now, at the age you are, to build a healthier mind and a healthier YOU! Your future self (and your future partner) will thank you! Here’s a few things you can do:
1. If you’ve already started watching porn, please stop.
The sooner you stop, the better. If you want to stop and you feel like you can’t, there’s help for people like you. Start with talking to your parents about it. I know, it’s really embarrassing to talk to your parents about this, but trust me, they love you and they want to help you! They’re on your side! Chances are, your mom or dad may have struggled with the same thing. They probably have been in your shoes. Talk to others who have overcome pornography addiction and ask how they did it.
2. Use internet filters and accountability software.
Ask your parents to set up internet filters and accountability software on all the devices you use. While no internet filter or software is perfect, it will greatly reduce the temptation to seek porn, especially if you know that someone will find out, and you’ll have to answer to them for your internet use.
3. Other little things you can do, because the little things count:
- Use your devices only in places where people can see the screen. Don’t take them to the bathroom or the bedroom or any other private place.
- Turn everything off and give your devices to your parents at a certain time each night. (So you can get some sleep too!)
- Avoid movies, TV shows, and books with sexually explicit content. If you come across inappropriate content accidentally, stop watching it and tell an adult immediately.
- And even to prevent accidental exposure, do your research before watching a movie or reading a book. You can see reviews on websites such as IMDb, Plugged In, and Common Sense Media.
- Spend more of your precious time doing things that don’t require a screen, such as spending time with family and friends, starting a new job, volunteering, or taking up a sport. You might earn some extra money, or discover a hobby you love!
- Learn how to use the internet and social media sites responsibly.
- When a friend shows you an inappropriate video at school or at a sleepover, you can say “Nah, I don’t really want to watch this. Can we do something else?”
- Go a step further and don’t even spend time with people who watch porn and think it’s not a big deal. You’re known by the company you keep.
- Never share nude photos of you or anyone else over text, SMS, or social media. This is called “sexting”, and it’s actually illegal in many jurisdictions if you’re doing it underage. The pictures can be considered child pornography if the people in them are underage.
- Don’t let a boyfriend or girlfriend pressure you into sending such photos to them, either. Because once they receive that very private photo, they can do whatever the heck they want with it, and there is nothing you can do to stop them. Sure, they can keep it to themselves. But they can also show it to all their friends, or post it online. They can even blackmail you, threatening to leak your nudes if you break up with them. I’ve heard a few stories of teens who committed suicide because scammers have threatened to leak their nudes if they don’t give them money! (That’s called sextortion) There’s no way to stop the leaking once it starts. So yeah, sexting is like playing with fire. Please don’t do it.
Conclusion
You’re a smart kid, with a good head on your shoulders. No matter who you are, I pray that you will make the right decisions for yourself about this heavy topic, and that you will always keep asking questions and seeking help.
For More Information
If you want to know more, check out these places:
- XXXChurch: a website with articles about porn addiction and how to break free. They also have an accountability software/internet filter called X3Watch.
- Covenant Eyes: A company that provides internet accountability software.
- Fight The New Drug: A nonprofit organization that educates the public about porn consumption, the porn industry, and how to break free from the harms of porn use.