The Emotional Rollercoaster, Part 2

Aaaand here’s list #2. This one really captures the emotional rollercoaster I was on. My thoughts were just all over the place. If you missed list #1, it’s right here.

100 things I need you (my husband) to know

1. It might look like I’m ok, but I’m really not.
2. Is this ever gonna end?
3. Our marriage is haunted
4. I’m spiraling into despair
5. I feel horrible about myself
6. What words can I use to show you how much this hurts? How do I get through to you?
7. It’s hard to tell you these things because my trust in you is so low, I don’t even trust you with my deepest feelings. I don’t even trust you with this part of myself.
8. What does porn have that I don’t? Oh yeah, it’s big boobs, big butt, flat stomach, long legs….
9. My dad’s sudden death was a piece of cake compared to what I’m going through with you now.
10. Why must you put me through this?
11. Why did you ask me to marry you, and then give me hell for it?
12. I’m humiliated
13. I’m insulted
14. It feels like a slap in the face
15. It feels like a big FUCK YOU!
16. Every relapse feels like a knife into my back.
17. I’ve been left to fend for myself.
18. Are you going to protect me from what will hurt me? Or am I gonna have to protect myself?
19. What’s the point of healing? It’s just going to all come undone when you relapse.
20. I want to be free from the pain
21. Lord, please free me from this. I don’t care how you do it, just do something.
22. When you’re old and wrinkly and on your deathbed, I hope you regret how much time you spent feeding this addiction, and how little time you spent feeding our marriage.
23. You don’t have all the time in the world to break free from this, you know.
24. And I don’t have all the time in the world to wait for you, either.
25. How can I possibly compete with those women?
26. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. And every day.
27. Do you not want me?
28. Is this just gonna be a regular thing for the rest of our lives?
29. Is this just gonna be my cross to bear?
30. I feel used and dirty when we have sex.
31. I feel pressured to have sex sometimes. I even feel pressured to cuddle with you sometimes.
32. Do you imagine other women in your head when we have sex?
33. Ugh. That thought nauseates me.
34. I don’t feel safe with you.
35. I’m in “survival mode”
36. You nauseate me
37. I don’t want to leave, but I can’t go on like this
38. I want to leave. I wanna honor our vows. I want to stay. I want this to stop. I wanna go. I wanna stay. What do I do????
39. I don’t want divorce. I don’t want separation. I want this to stop!
40. I feel trapped in this marriage.
41. What do I do with myself?
42. Are you done watching porn yet?
43. Hey. Get off the computer and pay attention to me!
44. I still want to destroy your laptop and phone. You don’t deserve to have those. You just abuse them by watching porn.
45. I’m sick of having screens in the house.
46. When are you gonna replace your iPhone with a flip phone?
47. Gosh, I must be such a bother. I have to be wooed and pursued and cherished, which porn doesn’t require at all. So much work. Geez. High maintenance, aren’t you, Wendy?
48. I’m grieving over the marriage I thought we could have, and realizing we’re probably never going to have it.
49. Is it too much to ask to have a porn-free marriage?
50. The memories from our wedding day are not so happy anymore.
51. I hope one of us dies. It doesn’t matter to me who it is, because either way I would be free from this suffering.
52. I take comfort in the fact that the statement above really will happen at some point. Is that morbid?
53. In fact, that’s the only thing keeping me going. The thought that one day, this really will end. One way or another.
54. It’s not like I want either one of us to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death will definitely end it.
55. I hope that doesn’t make me sound suicidal, because I’m not, I swear. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not going to “end it all” that way. This is just coming from a place where I desperately want relief from the pain. I want it to stop. I want you to stop watching porn. Because I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take.
56. In fact, I’ll promise you that right now. No matter how bad this gets, no matter how much pain I’m in, I will never take my life. Ever.
57. Not my sin, not my problem.
58. Remember, you’re the one answering to God for your pornography use. Not me.
59. I take comfort in the statement above with a dash of schadenfreude.
60. I don’t want my future kids getting exposed, which would be practically guaranteed if we had them.
61. In fact, I’m not sure if I want kids at all.
62. I just want this generational curse to end with me.
63. Should I get my tubes tied?
64. Tell me again why I should make MORE little porn addicts?
65. And why should we make more little victims of porn addiction?
66. You’re having an affair. The only difference is that porn is not a real person.
67. In fact, porn is millions of women clamoring for your attention, which you should be giving to me.
68. You’ve brought all of them to our marriage bed and now there’s no room for me.
69. At this point, I’m only staying with you because I promised God I would. I’m doing this for God, not for you.
70. I can literally feel my heart breaking right now.
71. I feel trapped in a marriage that’s just going in circles.
72. There’s no end in sight.
73. I’m slowly dying inside
74. I’m jealous of anybody who’s not burdened with this.
75. I hate your porn.
76. I hate that your brain has been fucked up with it.
77. I hate that you are addicted to it.
78. I hate that it constantly clamors for your attention
79. I hate that it happens over and over
80. I hate what it’s done to me
81. I hate what it’s done to you
82. I hate what it’s done to our marriage
83. I hate that it won’t stop
84. I hate that it’s like some ex-girlfriend who won’t leave us alone.
85. I hate it I hate it I hate it! All of it!
86. What if the tables were turned? What if I was the one watching porn? Would you want to stay with me?
87. Go drive off a cliff! And take your porn with you!
88. I can’t hold back tears half the time.
89. I got better things to do than deal with this.
90. This has slowed my life down. I could be doing other productive things with my life instead of dealing with this problem with you.
91. I feel like I just hurt myself by choosing to marry you.
92. You are willingly participating in sex trafficking right now. Do you realize that?
93. Such a grotesque habit.
94. Ew. Just ewwww don’t touch me
95. Are you going to recover?
96. You say you’ll recover, but I don’t believe you at all.
97. Ok, so I’m only in my 20’s. So I have at least 50+ years of marriage left with you. How in the world am I going to deal with this—REPEATEDLY—for the next half a century?
98. I’m exhausted. Just exhausted.
99. I know that some of these things might make it sound like I’m giving up and that I want to leave you. And sometimes, to be honest, I do feel that way. But no matter what I want to do, God has called me to marriage with you, for as long as it takes. And I love God more than I hate your sin and what it’s done to me. And this is a calling I will accept. For God, not for you. But oh, it’s hard. So, so hard. You have no idea.
100. I want you to read through this list again and again. I want you to sit and wallow in it for a good, long, time. I want to torture you with my pain. I want you to be absolutely broken over my brokenness. I want you to cry over what you’ve done to me. I want you to be so heartbroken, that you will do anything to get rid of the porn for good, and pursue me all over again. And pursue a better marriage with me.