Dear Betrayed spouse,
I am so sorry. What you’ve been through is absolutely horrible. You’ve been wronged on the deepest level possible. You didn’t ask for it. You don’t deserve it. It’s not your fault. But it has torn your life apart nonetheless. It’s such a shitty feeling, being cheated on. And even that doesn’t accurately describe it. There aren’t many words that do.
I grieve with you. You have lost something very important to you. You lost a happy marriage, even if it was just an illusion. You lost a faithful partner to their own infidelity. You lost happy memories, hopes, dreams, maybe a future with your spouse. You lost your trust in them. You lost your self-esteem and confidence in yourself. You lost everything you were before the infidelity. You may feel like you’re now just a shell of who you were before, and that you’ll never get your old self back. And I say go ahead and grieve. Cry. Be angry and upset. Throw things. Break things. Let your partner see those tears, too. You have every right to feel the way you do, and your partner needs to know that and see how you feel. Take all the time you need.
Don’t ever blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity. It’s not because you didn’t have enough sex with them. It’s not because of the way you look. It’s not because of the way your body has changed after having children. It’s not because you didn’t make enough money, or you weren’t available enough, or you just weren’t whatever enough. Nothing you could have done could prevent your partner from cheating. You know why? Cheating was their choice. They chose to cheat, and you did not drive them to do that in any way. Sure, your marriage might have had problems, maybe even caused by you. So what? All marriages have problems. Not everyone has affairs in response to them. Some people actually grow up and work it out like adults, without cheating at all. That can totally be done, and tons of people do it every day. Marital problems, even caused by you, are never an excuse for cheating. So if anyone blames you for your partner’s infidelity, don’t buy it. Your spouse chose to cheat, not you.
It’s okay if you’re not sure if you want to stay or leave. Don’t let anyone, friends, family, your pastor, yourself, even me, pressure you into making a decision to stay or go. It’s easy for others to say what you should do if they’re on the outside looking in, but once you actually find yourself in this situation, it’s far from easy. But give yourself permission to stay in the indecisiveness for a while. Like I said, give yourself permission to grieve. Give yourself time. Give yourself some grace. Be kind to yourself. I wish I could say there’s a quick and easy fix, but unfortunately, there isn’t. So just let the emotional rollercoaster run its course before deciding on anything.
There is hope. Infidelity doesn’t have to be a death sentence for your marriage. There is hope and there is life after infidelity. It is possible to fix your marriage. It takes a lot of counseling, a lot of time, healing, forgiveness, and two people who refuse to give up on each other. However, if your unfaithful partner isn’t willing to repent and turn away from their adultery, you’re allowed to leave. You have biblical grounds to do so. It is true that some Bible translations say that God hates divorce (and even that translation of Malachi 2:16 has been hotly debated, but that’s a post for later). However, God doesn’t hate the people doing the divorcing. He is a God of love, and He loves you too, wherever you’re at. If you’ve already tried everything you could think of, and your marriage still cannot be saved, you can leave knowing you did everything you could. And that can be a very freeing feeling for some people.
But don’t worry about that now. Just slow down a bit and take time to grieve. Let the emotions come and go. Take care of yourself. Seek counselors and godly friends you can confide in. Seek the Lord with all your heart. He knows what betrayal is like too. You do not have to suffer alone. I am praying for you, wherever you are.
Sincerely,
Wendy
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