100 Things I Want to Say to Betrayed Spouses

As you might have already noticed, I enjoy challenging myself to find 100 things to say about a particular topic. But at time of this posting, this list is incomplete. I was originally planning to post this when I finally reach 100, but I’m posting it now with the hope that at least someone out there will be encouraged by what I say right now. (and maybe see if you have any suggestions to add) I will add more things to this list later as I come up with more ideas.

So, in no particular order, here’s 100 things I want to say to anyone who has been betrayed by a spouse’s infidelity/porn use/emotional affairs, what have you!

1. I really want to tell you the Gospel. I should be really upfront about that. The bad news is, as sinful human beings, we have all violated God’s Holy Law (Romans 3:23), which is sin. There are severe and eternal consequences for any transgression against God’s Law. But the good news is that the Lord Jesus Christ came to this earth to endure those consequences for us so that we don’t have to. He died on the cross and resurrected for all the sins you’ve ever committed, all your sins right now, and all the sins you ever will commit. You can receive His free gift of salvation if you repent and believe. (Acts 16:31) Betrayed spouses like you and me need Jesus like everybody else.
2. In addition to that, this God that died for your sins on the cross? He sees your pain. He hears your cries for help. He knows what it’s like to be betrayed. His beloved chosen people betrayed Him numerous times in the Old Testament. One of His own disciples betrayed Him too, right before He was crucified. This God I am talking about is well-acquainted with betrayal.
3. You may have felt (or currently feel) like you want absolutely nothing to do with this God. I get it. I’ve felt that too. Why did He allow this to happen? If this God is as good as you say He is, Wendy, why did He allow this to happen to me, my life, my marriage? I have asked the Lord these questions myself. I wish I had good answers to these questions, but I don’t have them yet, and I may not ever get them on this side of heaven. All I do know is, my faith in this God has kept me going as long as I have. And I trust that the Lord will give me a full explanation for this suffering when I finally see Him face to face.
4. The betrayal that has happened to you is not your fault. Really, it isn’t.
5. And don’t let anyone tell you different!
6. Please don’t blame yourself.
7. It’s not because you didn’t have enough sex with your spouse.
8. “Having enough sex” doesn’t stop your spouse from lust, adultery, or pornography. Seriously, what does “having enough sex” actually mean, anyway? How much sex is enough for someone who constantly turns to lust? The answer is NONE! Lust is never satisfied! This is why you should not blame yourself for this. No one human being can ever satisfy the sexual appetite that lust and sexual sin produces. And that’s not because you are deficient in some way—the lusting partner is.
9. It’s not because you weren’t pretty enough
10. It’s not because you weren’t sexy enough
11. It’s not because you weren’t a good enough spouse.
12. It’s not because of the way your body has changed after having children.
13. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with THEM.
14. You have a right to be angry.
15. It hurts. It really does.
16. It feels like a death. Like your spouse just died and you can’t mourn because they’re actually still here. It feels like you’re just supposed to suck it up and keep it to yourself.
17. And there’s no quick relief. I wish there was, though.
18. And you can cry. Go ahead. Shed tears. Shed as many as you want.
19. Scream into a pillow.
20. Cry, sob, shed tears like there’s no tomorrow.
21. Just feel all the feelings. Don’t stuff them down.
22. The Bible says the Lord keeps our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8), but honestly, I think He needs an olympic-sized swimming pool for mine. 
23. It’s such a lonely road.
24. God sees you. And He hears you.
25. God sees your pain, and He knows betrayal so intimately.
26. God knows what it’s like to be betrayed. His own people, that He chose for Himself, betrayed Him numerous times, choosing to worship false idols instead of Him.
27. And other people know what it’s like too. 
28. There are others like you out there. I am one of them! You’re not alone.
29. It feels like your spouse just died and you’re not allowed to mourn. You’re expected to just carry on like nothing ever happened.
30. No, you don’t have to sweep it under the rug.
31. No, you don’t have to pretend nothing happened.
32. You’re probably going to be very severely depressed. 
33. You might even feel like ending your life. It’s a quick way to end the unbearable pain, I won’t argue with that. But I promise you, it’s not the answer.
34. But I can totally understand why a betrayed spouse would want to “end it” that way. You’re in this marriage, which you hoped would be a happy, faithful, lifelong union. But your spouse isn’t being faithful, you’re not actually happy, and it’s hurting you more by the day. That’s taking its toll on you in every possible way, and it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t escape. You can’t make them stop. No one on the outside understands. No one can help you. No one wants to help you. No one even knows how to help you. You’re losing hope and you’re desperate for relief. And you’re beginning to see suicide as a very welcome relief. None of that makes suicide okay, but it makes it understandable. My brain has wandered down the dark path of suicide like this.
35. Actually, I take that back. There are people who want to help you. There are people who are specially trained to help you. You don’t have to suffer for the rest of your life. There is hope and there is relief. You don’t have to suffer alone.
36. I know it’s not just women who get betrayed. Throughout this blog, I write with a woman’s perspective, because I am a woman and this perspective is all I have. But I have wondered about men who have been betrayed by their wives, and how absolutely alone they might feel. It might feel like the world might have forgotten about you, but I haven’t. Dear betrayed men: I think about you and I pray for you all the time. I hope you find my experience somewhat relatable, even though your experience might not be the same as mine. I hope you are encouraged and you find hope in what I write.
37. You can feel however you want to about this.
38. It’s okay if you need to distance yourself for a while. 
39. It’s okay if you want to leave. Infidelity really is grounds for divorce, whether other people like that fact or not.
40. And it’s okay if you want to stay. You’re not a fool for wanting to do that. Couples have bounced back from this, and you can too, if you’re both willing to do everything it takes to heal yourselves and save your marriage. It is a worthy endeavor.
41. For those who are not married yet: You do NOT have to put yourself through this. You’re under no obligation to even work this out with him. You’re allowed to leave the dating relationship. And not a whole lot of people will tell you that, so I will. I wish someone told me this before I married.
42. And for those who are already married: You don’t have to sit idly by, waiting for your spouse to change. Set some hard boundaries with them and make sure they know everything there is to know about how much this is hurting you. And take care of yourself. Find professional counseling, even just for yourself, and find people who have walked the same path as you. You’re not alone. There are people out there who care about you and want to walk through this with you.
43. At the same time, be careful who you tell. Don’t tell someone who gossips, especially if you’re not ready for the world to know. Don’t tell someone who will take sides. Don’t tell anyone who will judge you or your spouse. Don’t tell anyone that you wouldn’t trust with that information.
44. If you’re part of a body of Christian believers, ask your pastor and elders to put your spouse under church discipline, and watch what they do. Their reaction might tell you something about what kind of church they are. Do they deal swiftly with sexual sin in their midst, or will they do nothing besides blame you (even partially) for it?
45. With that said, tread carefully with the previous point. Churches are notorious for doing a very poor job dealing with sexual sin in their congregations. A large majority of pastors even struggle with porn use themselves, so they’re in absolutely no position to counsel someone else on it. If you really trust your church, feel free to go to them, but don’t expect a whole lot of help. If they do help, consider it a pleasant surprise. And please let me know what church you go to.
46. And piggybacking off of that: Some churches will even try and talk you out of getting professional counseling. If they do this, run away!
47. Don’t let any church tell you that you need to just have more sex, or that you just need to submit more. Neither of those are effective solutions.
48. It should also tell you that this biblical counselor has zero understanding of betrayal trauma and how it affects spouses.
49. Please, don’t “spy” on your spouse or try to police their every move. As tempting as it may be, and as justified as you might feel in doing it, it’s only going to hurt, not help. It won’t rebuild trust. You’ll just be setting yourself up for a lifetime of being his babysitter. Trust me, that is not a dynamic you want to have in your marriage! It’s such an exhausting place to be, more exhausting than the betrayal trauma itself. You’ve got better things to do! 
50. Use that energy you would’ve been using watching their every move, and channel it into finding recovery and healing for yourself. Because you’re worth it!
51. You deserve healing and recovery.
52. You deserve to be whole and healthy again!
53. You matter!
54. This won’t be forever.
55. I know this sounds like an old, tired platitude, but I’ve gotta say it: This too shall pass. Really, it will. For some reason I’ve found comfort in knowing that everything, the good and the bad, is all temporary.
56. There will be a time when the pain isn’t so unbearable.
57. There will be a time when you can love again.
58. Yes, you will be happy again.
59. I promise, it will get better.

What am I missing? Add it in the comments!