Today I’m going to take you on a deep dive into the day I broke this iPad. This is a really difficult story for me to share. This is my second “D-day” (Disclosure/Discovery day, the day you find out about your spouse’s infidelities or other sexual sin). My first D-day was more of a disclosure day, where he actually told me about his pornography use. But this D-day was clearly a discovery day, the first one I discovered since me met, and it was not disclosed. It was by far the worst, most horrible, ugliest, and most hurtful discovery day I’ve had so far. As difficult as this is to share with the world, I want to share it anyway because I want to show the world the overwhelming gravity and the severity of the pain that sexual betrayal causes betrayed spouses. It brought out an anger in me that I never knew I was capable of having. And I want to show you that if you’ve experienced this kind of anger too, you’re not alone. I’ve been in your shoes. And many other people have too.
I wrote most of this the day after it happened (with a few recent edits adding details I missed), when it was all fresh in my mind, as well as the pain:
“It was on June 21, 2022. Yes, I remember the exact date. I remember this day very vividly. It was a few weeks after we moved to a new state. My husband accepted a job. And I have a part-time job lined up at a local library. Two days ago, I noticed something on this iPad, which I let him buy after begging and pleading with me. It was an app called “Days Since”, where he tracks how much time has passed since he’s relapsed. I noticed that this app said that it’s been only two days since his last porn relapse. At first, I didn’t believe it. Is this just a new app? Did he only download this two days ago? No, it can’t be. There was another tracker that said it was only seven days since the last time he masturbated. I confronted him about it, and he didn’t deny it. He confirmed my suspicions.
This is when I lost it. From inside me came out the ugliest, most seething anger I never knew I could have. An anger that even caught me off guard. I wanted to destroy this iPad, and everything else he owns with a screen. I took a big knife from the kitchen and began scratching the iPad screen, but these Apple products are practically indestructible. I threw it on the ground. Still didn’t break. I put my head in my hands, cursing myself for allowing him to buy this godforsaken piece of crap, and for thinking this addiction was behind us. I picked it up and tried scratching the screen again, but I wasn’t even making a dent. Finally I flipped it over so that the silver aluminum backing was facing me. I took that knife and etched three big XXX’s on the back of the iPad. And then I etched smaller x’s between the big ones, three at a time.
“Wendy, you’re going to hurt yourself.” He said as he sat there in horror. He just ripped my heart out of my chest, and he’s worried that I’ll cut my fingers???
“Nothing could hurt me the way you’ve hurt me tonight.” I replied, undeterred. And I continued scratching. I actually did unintentionally cut my fingers while I was using the knife, but strangely enough, I didn’t feel it. I didn’t even notice until I saw a tiny drop of blood on my hand. Whatever. I don’t care. Tiny cuts on my fingers are nothing compared to this kind of pain.
There, I thought. Now the whole world knows what he does on it. I did not let him buy that iPad so that he could watch that garbage. It felt so good to wreck that iPad. I felt so powerful. I’ve wanted to do something like that for a long time.
He never stopped me from vandalizing that iPad. He just sat there and watched me, with very little emotion on his face. But I hope he was dying inside. I hope he was horrified. While I was mutilating this chunk of metal, I asked him how badly he wanted kids. Badly, he said. I told him I don’t want kids with a porn addict. Ever. Not until this is worked out. He then looked devastated. I hope he did. When I did my damage for the time being, I left the house and went for a walk to blow off some steam.
He was gone when I returned. I wanted to finish what I started with that iPad. He took the iPad, the Macbook, the apple watch, and his iPhone with him. He spoiled my fun. I wanted to destroy everything. Never in my life have I ever felt so angry that I wanted to destroy something. This man drives me crazy. I crouched down on the bed and began praying. Begging God for help. Don’t you see my pain, God? Do you not hear me? Do you not see that we’re in trouble? Satan is attacking us. Please God, do something!
He returned home around 9:30pm. He found a Celebrate Recovery group meeting at a church nearby, and he attended the meeting. I quietly said “Thank you.” Nonetheless, I still wanted to destroy those Apple devices. To my surprise, he let me have them and he let me finish destroying them.
I tried the knife again on the iPad. I tried banging it with a frying pan from the kitchen, but ended up denting the frying pan instead. I finally got a big rock and some smaller ones from outside. I banged on the iPad numerous times with the big rock. That did the trick. The screen shattered. I used the smaller rocks to scratch the aluminum surface farther, to keep me from dulling the kitchen knife any further. I crossed out the word “iPad” on the back and etched “I CHEAT” on top of it. The iPad that once had a smooth, shiny surface now had cracks all over the screen and ugly X’s on the back. It won’t even turn on anymore.
I then moved on to the iPhone. This was where he did his porn viewing. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to destroy this entirely. Probably because he also used this phone for legitimate reasons. It was his primary way of communicating with me and with others. It was practically his whole life. Rather than smashing the screen, I decided to etch X’s into the sides and on the back. If I can’t bring myself to destroy this entirely, I can make it an embarrassment for him to use.
I did the same thing with the laptop. I started with scraping little x’s around the mouse and the keyboard. I moved on to the bottom of the macbook and scraped three more big XXX’s. And what to do with the part behind the screen? I considered not touching this part. He was worried about how it would look. I personally thought it would look nice. I like making my marks on it. He’s concerned about people finding out about this addiction because he is up to his eyeballs in shame. Pitiful. I want to expose his shame. I decided to push forward and scratched three more big XXX’s into the macbook’s aluminum surface behind the screen.
“Wendy,” He said at some point while I was doing my damage. “I’ll recover.”
“Really?” I replied in disbelief. “You’ve been saying that since we were dating!” And then I continued.
I took these pictures of the broken iPad, front and back, with my own phone and with his. I set that picture to his lock screen, with the hope that he would think twice about relapsing every time he unlocked his phone. I also knew he was probably going to throw away the iPad at some point, in an attempt to “destroy the evidence”. (And he did.) That iPad is already me. I’m pretty sure it’s also him. And it will be our marriage if he allows porn to destroy it any further.
I really meant what I said about kids. For a while now, I was thinking about it a lot. About whether we should have any kids and when. I thought I wanted kids when I got married. But for some reason, I wasn’t warming up to the idea, and I just couldn’t figure out why. Now I think I know. I would rather die childless than watch my own kids walk in their father’s footsteps, I told him. I do not feel safe having vulnerable, impressionable children in this marriage. I don’t feel safe or secure at all. And I will probably feel this way for much of my childbearing years. I don’t want to enable this anymore. I just want this generational curse to end with me. I want to eliminate any possibility of passing this sin on to my future generations. I’ll get my tubes tied if I have to. I’ll stay married, because I promised God, my husband, and everyone I know that I would, but I never promised kids. And if I’m going to have to hit menopause without offspring, then so be it.
But I know that my will is not always God’s will. If I find that He is giving me a child now, of course I would keep it. I still believe all children deserve to live, even if they will be born into broken marriages. But I don’t want to actively try having them, especially if we’re in the trenches, battling this awful addiction, with no end in sight.
When I finished the rest of my damage, we were both sitting on the floor, with three vandalized Apple devices, glass shards all over the floor, a dull kitchen knife, and a bent frying pan. I put my head in my hands and began crying again. He took a deep breath, like he was about to say something that he thought might comfort me, but he recoiled back, keeping that thought inside his mind.
There was one thing that he did right that night. He sat there with me the entire time and watched me in my pain, my anger, and my anguish. He watched me destroy the most expensive things he owns. He didn’t stop me or run away or leave me alone with my anguish. He saw me in my raw, undeniable pain. I needed him to see that. I needed him to see how much he hurt me. And my only regret about that night was I didn’t reveal that to him fully until now.“
Ok, my present self is back. Looking back at what I wrote, yeah, that was a very ugly night. And let me just say, I am not proud to say that I broke an $800 iPad. It didn’t really help me heal. It didn’t reverse the damage that was already done to my heart. But I don’t entirely regret it either.
One, because I really needed him to see me angry. And two, it made me realize that I really need help. And it was the catalyst that brought me (and him) back on the road to recovery.
(A side note: I do feel differently about having kids since I wrote this. I still don’t have any kids yet, but I’ve warmed up to the idea a little more. I would most certainly welcome a child into my life if one was coming. I guess that’s a sliver of evidence that we’ve both made some headway in recovery and some trust has been rebuilt!)
So how can I encourage you with this story?
I am NOT saying you should start breaking iPads. Porn use is a heart issue, not an electronics issue. It’s not the iPad, the computer, or the phone. It’s the user.
Consider this a cautionary tale. This is what happens when you let anger bottle up for a long time. It has a way of finding its way out at the worst moments. It’s also what happens when you don’t have your own boundaries in place that tell you what to do when such painful emotions come. Some other part of you will just take over and react for you.
But I am saying that it is okay to be angry! Anger is an important part of grieving betrayal. It’s a part of being human. And you’re entitled to have it. After all, Moses broke not one tablet, but two tablets when the Lord’s people were worshiping a golden calf. Jesus got angry and flipped tables in the temple. He got angry with the Pharisees and called them Broods of Vipers. So I think we can get angry about betrayal! You are entitled to all your feelings about it. They are all valid. Don’t bottle them up. Find healthier ways of having these feelings with safe people, like a counselor or other people who have experienced betrayal like you. Come up with a plan for dealing with your anger in healthier ways in the future. (That is, in one sense, what boundaries are.) I learned from this ugly night and I did exactly that. And you can too.
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