Before writing a new blog post, I always ask myself, “How can I encourage a betrayed spouse today?”
I know you guys are out there somewhere, suffering, alone, in silence and darkness and confusion, whether you’re reading these posts or not. But just the possibility that somebody, anybody, even one person, is reading these posts, is what’s keeping me writing right now. If even one betrayed spouse is encouraged by what I write, I’ve done what I’ve set out to do on this blog.
So a few days ago, I posted two lists of 100 things (I guess that makes it 200) that my husband’s porn use says to me, and another 100 things I need him to know. Those lists are right here and here, in case you missed them.
I re-read these lists before posting them, over two years after I’ve written them. And *phew* they’re still heartbreaking even for me to read. These lists were 200 of my raw, uncensored thoughts and feelings I was experiencing while I was in the thick of betrayal. While I was in the middle of an emotional rollercoaster I never asked to be on. And as you’ve already seen, it’s not a fun ride.
I wrote those lists to fully capture and communicate the full range of emotions I was experiencing. I felt all of these emotions, in no particular order:
agony, anger, despair, grief, desperation, stupidity, exasperation, overwhelm, regret, guilt, shame, inadequacy, brokenness, vengefulness,
*deep breath*
loneliness, hopelessness and hope at the same time, jealousy, frustration, disgust, anguish, fear of the future (including my future kids), and most of all: exhaustion.
And many of the things in the “100 things your porn use says to me” list probably aren’t true, but that’s besides the point. My point was that those were the messages I was getting, and for all I knew at the time, and given how broken my trust was, they may as well have been true. And I felt accordingly.
And I needed my husband to know everything about how his porn use has hurt me. I had a desperate need to be understood. I needed to grieve and feel all these things before I could truly move forward in recovery and in life.
So the way I want to encourage you today is this:
It’s okay to feel all the things. Shed all the tears. You don’t have to bottle them up. Just slow down and cry them out. Just grieve in the way you feel is best. I know the emotional rollercoaster is such an awful ride to be on, but it does have an end.
Eventually, there will be a time when your emotions won’t be all over the place. There will be a time when the stinging pain of betrayal won’t be so unbearable. In time, you’ll get to a place when you’re ready to move forward, too.
Just hang on. It will get better.
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