I recently came across a study published only last year that studied betrayed spouses and how they are affected by their partner’s compulsive sexual behaviors. I’ll put the citation and a link to the article below this post. It’s a long study, but here’s a short summary:
The researchers who conducted this study interviewed a sample of women from Brisbane, Australia of various ages, marital statuses, and religious backgrounds to study how their partner’s compulsive sexual behaviors affected them. The results they found and the responses they received are striking and sobering. But they’re not surprising to me. I echo many of the interviewee’s sentiments:
“After learning about his behaviours, I disconnected from everyone. I was embarrassed and carried lots of shame. I felt everyone knew and could smell it on us. I felt alone and isolated. I kept myself in the house. I couldn’t talk to my church community due to fear of stigma and judgment.” (pg 7)
“It has been a slow eroding of my sense of self and worth, and that’s come out in a lot of spiritual ways, and I just feel disconnected and unsure of who I am and whether I’m even worth anything.” (pg 9)
“I couldn’t talk to my church community due to stigma and judgment … I was physically and emotionally unstable, and those who were supposed to care for me didn’t do a good job of keeping me safe … I would
have healed faster if I had my faith-based community around me.” (pg 9)
These women also reported feeling isolated and alone. They felt ashamed and afraid to tell anyone, even their religious communities, about their partner’s sexual compulsions because they were afraid of being judged. They had feelings of self-doubt, and felt like they could never be good enough or sexual enough for their partners or good enough as a person. They questioned their relationships and their entire sense of self. They felt distressed and unsafe when they weren’t able to get the full truth from their partners, and whatever truth they did get was only discovered through their detective work. I have had every single one of these thoughts while I was reeling from my husband’s porn use.
But what’s most striking to me in this study is how many of their respondents admitted to having suicidal ideations and attempts to self-harm as a result of their partner’s betrayals:
“Another severe relational consequence of SA/CSB (sexual addiction/compulsive sexual behaviors) was the intrarelational aspect of how the affected women related to themselves and felt driven to participate in self-harming behaviour and/or suicide ideation. A significant percentage of the women (66%) had engaged in self-harming behaviours or had considered or attempted suicide.” (pg 9, emphasis mine)
Read that again.
Sixty-six percent. That’s two-thirds of the respondents who have thought about suicide! If that doesn’t sober you, it should. Betrayal is life threatening!
But why is this so? Why do so many betrayed spouses consider suicide?
That’s a difficult question to answer, but I have a few guesses, not based on any scientific evidence, but only from my own experiences. One is because betrayal trauma is so psychologically painful, sometimes it’s nearly impossible to see any other way to relieve it. I freely admit that I am in that majority of betrayed partners who have had suicidal thoughts. I’ve never acted on such thoughts, nor do I ever plan to. But I’d be lying if I said suicide has never crossed my mind. My betrayal trauma caused months of depression, anxiety, intense grief, and psychological pain unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve grieved the deaths of loved ones throughout my life, and such grief is a cake walk compared to the grief that betrayal brings.
Another guess I have is more related to people in highly religious communities, where they’re taught the “Permanence View of Marriage” — the view that God hates divorce, and that marriage can only be dissolved by death, and divorce is never an option under any circumstances, not even for adultery, abandonment, or abuse. In other extreme sects of Christianity, not even a separation is recommended. In this case, the other ways out of a betrayed partner’s painful marriage has been taken away from them: separation and divorce. (To be clear, I do not believe divorce takes away the pain of betrayal. But I do believe it can take a spouse out of a painful situation!) When divorce is not an option for them, I can see why they might consider suicide their only option. All their other options really have been taken away. This also might be one reason why it’s difficult to go to church communities for help. Betrayed spouses might get sent away only with “advice” to have more sex, to “pray it away”, just read your Bible and forgive, don’t divorce, or any other pat answer that fixes absolutely nothing. Our church communities have a very poor understanding of sexual compulsions and how they affect betrayed spouses, and this study was published to remedy that. It was published to better inform those communities, to help them understand betrayal trauma so that they are better equipped to care for them.
And just seeing research being done on betrayal trauma is one of the things that keeps me alive. It brings me so much hope and so much validation to find that there’s research being done on betrayal trauma. Even science has confirmed that sexual compulsion severely hurts partners! We’re not making this stuff up. It’s not all in our heads. Betrayal trauma is real, and science is only confirming what we already know about it. So don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re going crazy!
One of these days, we will find ourselves in a world where this kind of betrayal trauma is taken more seriously. One of these days there will be a world where we know so much more about sexual addictions. And counselors, therapists, and faith communities are better informed and better equipped to help betrayed partners in crisis. And this hope is what keeps me saying “NO!” to suicide and “YES!” to living long enough to see that hope come to fruition within my lifetime.
P.S. After I posted this, I felt a great need to say this one more thing:
So if you’re currently having suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone. Anyone. A friend. A family member. A therapist. Or call the suicide hotline (in the USA, it’s 988) I know when you’re in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster ride following a betrayal, it can feel like the only way off of it is to die. I know this because I have felt that way too. But please, take it from me: life is still worth living, even if you’ve been betrayed. I hope and pray that no matter how painful betrayal is, you will still choose life. There is help for you and there are people who do care and want to help you. And I promise you, there are better days ahead of you. And I hope you will choose to live long enough to experience them. Big hugs!
Work Cited
Seyed Aghamiri, F., Luetz, J. M., & Hills, K. (2025). Compulsive sexual behaviours and relational consequences: A phenomenological study on intimate female partner impacts. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 25, e12850. https://doi.org/10.1002/capr.12850
Leave a Reply