
Aaaand here’s list #2. This one really captures the emotional rollercoaster I was on. My thoughts were just all over the place. If you missed list #1, it’s right here.
100 things I need you (my husband) to know
- It might look like I’m ok, but I’m really not.
- Is this ever gonna end?
- Our marriage is haunted
- I’m spiraling into despair
- I feel horrible about myself
- What words can I use to show you how much this hurts? How do I get through to you?
- It’s hard to tell you these things because my trust in you is so low, I don’t even trust you with my deepest feelings. I don’t even trust you with this part of myself.
- What does porn have that I don’t? Oh yeah, it’s big boobs, big butt, flat stomach, long legs….
- My dad’s sudden death was a piece of cake compared to what I’m going through with you now.
- Why must you put me through this?
- Why did you ask me to marry you, and then give me hell for it?
- I’m humiliated
- I’m insulted
- It feels like a slap in the face
- It feels like a big FUCK YOU!
- Every relapse feels like a knife into my back.
- I’ve been left to fend for myself.
- Are you going to protect me from what will hurt me? Or am I gonna have to protect myself?
- What’s the point of healing? It’s just going to all come undone when you relapse.
- I want to be free from the pain
- Lord, please free me from this. I don’t care how you do it, just do something.
- When you’re old and wrinkly and on your deathbed, I hope you regret how much time you spent feeding this addiction, and how little time you spent feeding our marriage.
- You don’t have all the time in the world to break free from this, you know.
- And I don’t have all the time in the world to wait for you, either.
- How can I possibly compete with those women?
- I cry myself to sleep almost every night. And every day.
- Do you not want me?
- Is this just gonna be a regular thing for the rest of our lives?
- Is this just gonna be my cross to bear?
- I feel used and dirty when we have sex.
- I feel pressured to have sex sometimes. I even feel pressured to cuddle with you sometimes.
- Do you imagine other women in your head when we have sex?
- Ugh. That thought nauseates me.
- I don’t feel safe with you.
- I’m in “survival mode”
- You nauseate me
- I don’t want to leave, but I can’t go on like this
- I want to leave. I wanna honor our vows. I want to stay. I want this to stop. I wanna go. I wanna stay. What do I do????
- I don’t want divorce. I don’t want separation. I want this to stop!
- I feel trapped in this marriage.
- What do I do with myself?
- Are you done watching porn yet?
- Hey. Get off the computer and pay attention to me!
- I still want to destroy your laptop and phone. You don’t deserve to have those. You just abuse them by watching porn.
- I’m sick of having screens in the house.
- When are you gonna replace your iPhone with a flip phone?
- Gosh, I must be such a bother. I have to be wooed and pursued and cherished, which porn doesn’t require at all. So much work. Geez. High maintenance, aren’t you, Wendy?
- I’m grieving over the marriage I thought we could have, and realizing we’re probably never going to have it.
- Is it too much to ask to have a porn-free marriage?
- The memories from our wedding day are not so happy anymore.
- I hope one of us dies. It doesn’t matter to me who it is, because either way I would be free from this suffering.
- I take comfort in the fact that the statement above really will happen at some point. Is that morbid?
- In fact, that’s the only thing keeping me going. The thought that one day, this really will end. One way or another.
- It’s not like I want either one of us to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death will definitely end it.
- I hope that doesn’t make me sound suicidal, because I’m not, I swear. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not going to “end it all” that way. This is just coming from a place where I desperately want relief from the pain. I want it to stop. I want you to stop watching porn. Because I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take.
- In fact, I’ll promise you that right now. No matter how bad this gets, no matter how much pain I’m in, I will never take my life. Ever.
- Not my sin, not my problem.
- Remember, you’re the one answering to God for your pornography use. Not me.
- I take comfort in the statement above with a dash of schadenfreude.
- I don’t want my future kids getting exposed, which would be practically guaranteed if we had them.
- In fact, I’m not sure if I want kids at all.
- I just want this generational curse to end with me.
- Should I get my tubes tied?
- Tell me again why I should make MORE little porn addicts?
- And why should we make more little victims of porn addiction?
- You’re having an affair. The only difference is that porn is not a real person.
- In fact, porn is millions of women clamoring for your attention, which you should be giving to me.
- You’ve brought all of them to our marriage bed and now there’s no room for me.
- At this point, I’m only staying with you because I promised God I would. I’m doing this for God, not for you.
- I can literally feel my heart breaking right now.
- I feel trapped in a marriage that’s just going in circles.
- There’s no end in sight.
- I’m slowly dying inside
- I’m jealous of anybody who’s not burdened with this.
- I hate your porn.
- I hate that your brain has been fucked up with it.
- I hate that you are addicted to it.
- I hate that it constantly clamors for your attention
- I hate that it happens over and over
- I hate what it’s done to me
- I hate what it’s done to you
- I hate what it’s done to our marriage
- I hate that it won’t stop
- I hate that it’s like some ex-girlfriend who won’t leave us alone.
- I hate it I hate it I hate it! All of it!
- What if the tables were turned? What if I was the one watching porn? Would you want to stay with me?
- Go drive off a cliff! And take your porn with you!
- I can’t hold back tears half the time.
- I got better things to do than deal with this.
- This has slowed my life down. I could be doing other productive things with my life instead of dealing with this problem with you.
- I feel like I just hurt myself by choosing to marry you.
- You are willingly participating in sex trafficking right now. Do you realize that?
- Such a grotesque habit.
- Ew. Just ewwww don’t touch me
- Are you going to recover?
- You say you’ll recover, but I don’t believe you at all.
- Ok, so I’m only in my 20’s. So I have at least 50+ years of marriage left with you. How in the world am I going to deal with this—REPEATEDLY—for the next half a century?
- I’m exhausted. Just exhausted.
- I know that some of these things might make it sound like I’m giving up and that I want to leave you. And sometimes, to be honest, I do feel that way. But no matter what I want to do, God has called me to marriage with you, for as long as it takes. And I love God more than I hate your sin and what it’s done to me. And this is a calling I will accept. For God, not for you. But oh, it’s hard. So, so hard. You have no idea.
- I want you to read through this list again and again. I want you to sit and wallow in it for a good, long, time. I want to torture you with my pain. I want you to be absolutely broken over my brokenness. I want you to cry over what you’ve done to me. I want you to be so heartbroken, that you will do anything to get rid of the porn for good, and pursue me all over again. And pursue a better marriage with me.